Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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