just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
