Ambien. No doubt about it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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