Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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