he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
