What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
