I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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