my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
