The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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