who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you will always have a special place in my vag
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
