I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
