I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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