i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So here I am, sexting at work.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
