nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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