the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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