Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
