Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
