piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
