I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
