Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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