Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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