I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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