oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
