OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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