I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
