my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
