I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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