After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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