I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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