drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize