Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
