I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
