Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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