It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
