Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
