I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
