A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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