if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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