Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize