i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize