You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
