I think my vagina is haunted
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
