Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
