Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
