: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
