nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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