i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
