hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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