I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
