My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
