I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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