Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I believe in your delicious
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
