either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
