ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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