my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
